Scotland the Grave

I've never actually been what you would call a Scotland fanatic, but I have always proudly supported my country wherever or whenever they've played. I've been to several games, when I've had the opportunity, and quite fancied joining the travel club to take the trip to Germany in September, but that notion passed after hearing the latest Scotland squad being announced.

Did anyone else notice any glaring errors in Berti's selection? Like no Greg Shields or Stevie Fulton for a kick off? I suppose I shouldn't really be surprised going on past squads that the real form players in our countries top league have been excluded. My god, you only need to look at the Under 21 squad for further evidence of the same.

I cannot believe for the life of me how some of these guys can get into the squad before 11 goal (yes Berti, that's when they put the ball in the net, it's good when a striker can do that) Kris Boyd. Jeez, Kevin Kyle is a diddy and Garry O'Connor has only played a handful of games since coming back from injury, he'll be right at the top of his form eh!

Then there's Sean Dillon who also has an SPL Young Player of the Month award under his belt, no mention for him either. Okay, so Peter Canero quite rightly made it but to be fair he wouldn't look out of place in the first team). This guy is getting paid to scour the country, nay the planet, to find the best Scottish talent that is out there...and yet he can't seem to see beyond the end of his nose!

Only four players out of the teams that lie 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th in the SPL have been selected, and Stevie Crawford isn't exactly setting the heather on fire of late. Mind you he deserves a place more than Steven Thompson who is lucky to make the Rangers bench at the best of times. Annoyed? Me? You better believe it. I was all for Berti's appointment because I thought that maybe a foreigner wouldn't pick his squad on the advice of the Daily Retard reporters...how wrong can you be. I'd like to see what kind of remit that a Scotland manager receives when he takes the job on...

1) You must, where possible, always pick Rangers and Celtic players for your squad, and if they don't have any Scottish players then either persuade them to sign some for their reserves or try and see if any of them have Scottish grannies or at least like haggis.

2) If you run out of Rangers and Celtic players the first thing to do is pick ex-Rangers and ex-Celtic players that have moved on because they are mince and can't make it into the first team because of the foreigners. You will normally find them kicking their heels on an English first division bench somewhere.

3) Have a quick check with both the Rangers and Celtic physiotherapists to see if there are any of their players ready to come back from any serious injuries, if they wont be fit for at least three weeks after the next Scotland fixture, select them anyway.

4) Before even considering a player from another team, please make sure that you double check if there are any players out there with even the remotest connection to the old firm, whether they are over the hill and playing in an amateur league or not. This will enable the meeja to utilise all their 'former Gers star' and 'former Bhoys star' banter, they would be lost without it and that just won't do.

5) Avoid picking any form players whatsoever, especially if they do not play out of Glasgow (or at a push Edinburgh) unless of course you are contacted by a reporter from The Sun or the Daily Record. In which case give them a token call up and maybe play them at the end of a meaningless friendly for a few minutes. Feel free to substitute them again at any point thereafter and never call them up again...unless of course the aforementioned newspapers demand it.

6) You've obviously not been listening, go back to point one.

I'm beginning to feel more paranoid than a Celtic fan at an orange walk wearing a 'Larsson is Ghod' t-shirt! Or is it just me? From the reaction on the killiefc.com message boards I certainly get the feeling that I'm not the only punter that is a tad upset at our new national gaffer. I can only assume that if Berti Vogts is not in any way biased or being swayed in his squad selection by his 'meeja' chums then he is indeed a Grade 'A' dunderheid of the highest order...but I can't work out quite what is worse.

Season Ticket Update

There has been a noticeable increase in ticket sales over the last few days. This is mainly due to current ticket holders buying their seats before 3rd May to ensure they keep their seat. The phone calls to the Share Centre have subsequently increased and the mobile phone has been red hot all week. At the moment we hold a list of current seat holders looking for a partner so if you are a non-season ticket holder interested in getting a cheap ticket give us a call on the number below. Remember after this weekend all seats will be on a first come first served basis so the quicker you buy the better the seat. Call Sandy on 0774 771 8754.

Fixture Madness

Well done to JJ and the lads for an excellent victory last Sunday that keeps our slim UEFA Cup hopes alive for at least another week. However it's ridiculous that we had to travel to Dens Park for the third time in the league this season and in most leagues around Europe it simply wouldn't be allowed to happen. Strangely enough it's a repeat from two seasons ago when we traveled to the same venue on three separate occasions.

Surely it's time for the SPL beaks to get round the table to try and make the fixture list as "fan friendly" as possible. Apart from the Dundee scenario we had the outrageous situation in December whereby we headed to Pittodrie on the first Wednesday of the month followed by three home Saturday fixtures. Earlier in the season we had three away fixtures on the trot, now that does wonders for the bank balance! It's no wonder fans are being lost to the game when the SPL beaks appear to be doing all they can to make life as difficult as possible.

We'd urge Sir John Orr, David Heath et al to persuade their colleagues to restore some common sense when scheduling next season's fixtures. Surely it can't be too difficult to let teams play at home on alternate weeks. This would allow fans to plan their games far more easily and it would ease the financial burden, especially those fans that take their kids to the games. Come on SPL play your part in trying to attract the missing thousands back to Scottish football.

Winners and Losers

Steven Milne is a loser. That giant of Scottish football who took it upon himself to go to the newspapers last week and bang on about Killie being whingers. Three words come to mind here...pot...kettle...black. There has of course been much speculation down this way about European qualification, but the news last week that fourth place would miss out no matter what was greeted with disappointment rather than anger. Tempered by the realization of the financial pitfalls that UEFA cup qualification can bring with it. Milne started the game on Sunday on the bench which saved him a bit of an ear-bashing but he finished it pointless as Killie put Dundee to the sword and kept the pressure on the Jambos for third place and the Euro dream, which takes me to…

Celtic are winners. They should be congratulated on reaching the UEFA Cup final despite us all being bored to tears with their performances. We have to look on the bright side here, it may mean not a lot to Killie fans this season but their march to the final will see a significant rise in Scotland's co-efficient and should see us getting our extra UEFA place back next season. Not that it will matter to us as we will finish third or above anyway! I wonder what the hack who coined the phrase Lisbon Lions will come up with this time…the Seville Soapdogers? Or if it has to be an animal and they stink in the final, what about the Seville Skunks? I have to admit though, the beach balls and sombreros at the old firm game were a touch of class. Which brings me to…

Rangers are losers. Despite Celtic's much publicised midweek exertions they still managed to get turned over on their home turf by the Mexicans. I hate bringing so much attention to the twisted sisters of Scottish football but when you are stuck in a mind numbing league of six teams (down with the split I say) they are hard to avoid. The beauty of this result for Killie fans is that the huns can't win the league when we come calling a week come Sunday. The down side is that if Celtic continue to rack up points then they have a chance of winning the league at the Theatre of Pies on the last day…god forbid. Now I know how that Rangers fan felt standing outside the Riverside in tears on Sunday. Which brings me to…

Newmilns are winners. Well they haven't been so far but hopefully they will be before long. After narrowly losing out to Galston in one Cup Final and being dumped out of another by Arthurlie at the semi final stage, they have a chance to turn it around in the Scottish Amateur Cup Final at Hampden on May 17th. Last Friday I sat in the home end at Spurs v Man City and they got hammered 2-0. Last Saturday the exact same happened when I went to see Charlton take on Birmingham at the Valley. You can take it from me that I will not be at Hampden come the final as I would not wish it upon anyone to lose three out of three cups after coming so close…and I do seem to be a bit of a jinx to neutral teams!

And finally to our last two winners of the week...a big B&H congratulations to Tam and Yvonne Gallacher who are flying in from Vegas this week after tying the knot in the Silver State of Nevada. You may have read a few weeks ago in this column about the stag night in Dublin and how I wanted the wedding got clash with our next away trip to Dundee...well we were only a week out. Look out at Rugby Park on Saturday for five shifty looking blokes in suits looking nervously at their watches!

Read the B&H column in the Kilmarnock Standard every week